Robin on Cocaine
“Here’s a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem. First of all, if you come home to your house, you have no furniture, and your cat’s going, ‘I’m outta here, prick!’ Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you’re doing cocaine in your sleep and you can’t fall asleep, and you’re doing cocaine in your sleep and you can’t fall asleep, and you wake up and you’re doing cocaine? Bingo! Number three: If on your tax forms, it says $50,000 for snacks, MAYDAY!”
Robin on Nuclear Summits
“They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament. This is also like talking about partial circumcision. A strange thing. You either go all the way or f—ing forget it, you know what I’m saying?”
Robin on Fatherhood
“And now that you have a child, you have to clean up your act. ‘Cause you can’t drink anymore. You can’t come home drunk and go, ‘Hey, here’s a little switch: Daddy’s gonna throw up on you!’”
Robin on Women in Power
“A woman would never make a nuclear weapon. They would never make a bomb that kills you. They’d make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That’d be a whole other thing!”
Robin on Rehab
“I went to rehab in wine country just to keep my options open.”
Robin on Tornados
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.”
Robin on Alcoholism
“If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go ‘What happens if you take two?’”
Robin on Men
“God gave man a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin on Canada
“Canadian money is also called the looney. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? ‘The looney is down!’ ‘Oh, how sad for you!’”
Robin on Doctors
“You don’t want a doctor who also has a hobby! You don’t want a gynecologist who’s also a magician! ‘How are we doing today, Mrs. Johnson? Oh, look! A dove! (mimes pulling out ribbons) Oh, what’s this, what’s this, and this, and this? Is this your card?’”
Robin on Viagra
“People have died on Viagra. They need to have an open coffin. ‘I don’t remember Pete being like this. Kids, go get some horseshoes. He would’ve wanted it that way.’”
Robin on the Death Penalty
“Before the lethal injection, they do an alcohol swab. Which is so nice. What the f— are you doing? We don’t want you to get that last second infection!”
Robin on Chairs
“I wonder what chairs think about all day: ‘Oh, here comes another asshole.’”
Robin on Meeting Koko the Gorilla
“There is only one animal who can tell you if she is happy and wants to mate. That is Koko, the silverback gorilla. She saw me, the blue-eyed simian. She was intrigued. She said to her trainer (makes gesture), and I went, ‘What does that mean?’
‘She wants you to tickle her.’
Okay, I tickle her, then she’s (makes sound, gestures) ’What does that mean?’
‘She wants you to lift your shirt.’
I lift my shirt, she reaches out and grabs both my nipples. And when an 800-pound gorilla’s got you by the tits, you listen. And then a fun thing happened because my balls went, ‘Somebody wants to play! Shall we go to phase two?’
‘No, do not go to phase two!I Repeat. Do not go to liftoff! This may feel like a human, but notice the placement of the thumbs. This is not a human. Do not go to phase two! Warning! Warning!’
But she must’ve sensed something because she grabs me by the hand, starts to take me in the back and it’s like Daktari meets Deliverance. And I’m expecting the crocodile hunter to walk out and go, ‘Oh, crikey. She wants to f— his brains out. Watch out, boys and girls. Danger, Danger, Danger! This could be like that time I put my finger in a croc’s cloaca. Bad, bad news!’
But part of me went, ‘Could be fun.’
Make a great story for a bar. A guy’s going, ‘I had a wild night in Vegas.’
‘Yeah? Well, I banged a gorilla. Where’s everybody going?’”
